What are the signs of trauma in children of divorce parents? Can therapy help children recover from divorce trauma?
by Ana Brown B.A, Psychology (she/her).Reviewed by Dr. Pascale Piron, Psy.D., M.A., LCPC (she/her).
February 20th, 2025
I still remember coming downstairs to eat breakfast on a Saturday morning super excited about eating pancakes and watching cartoons, instead I had to stop on the last flight of steps because I heard my parents talking about divorce. I was 8 years old and still remember the color of my pj’s. This is how traumatizing that day was. The days, months and years after that, were extremely painful and confusing. Looking back I wish they would have taken me to see a therapist. It would have helped so much with the grieving process. Eventually, I did seek professional help and it did wonders for my mental health as an adult helping me understand that their relationship was not my responsibility and their divorce was not my fault. Although divorce affects the entire family, the real victims are the children, due to their inability to process information and stress like adults. The adults make mistakes and the children have to live with the consequences. But this is not a life sentence of emotional pain. There is help and there is healing.
Half of all children in the United States will experience their parents divorce.
Although no two divorces are alike, it seems that one thing most divorces do have in common are the painful and negative feelings associated with the dissolution of the marriage that once sustained the family together. In some situations, feelings of relief may also be attached to the end of a marriage, specifically in situations involving physical abuse or domestic violence. If there are children involved in the process, it adds an entire set of serious stressors such as visitation rights and custody issues. If parents cannot handle the extreme conflict that usually arises from a separation, the children will be negatively impacted. This transition if not properly treated can leave the whole family with a lifetime of future interactions, such as graduations, weddings and the birth of grandchildren, permeated with resentful feelings toward one another.
HOW DOES DIVORCE TRAUMA AFFECTS CHILDREN EMOTIONALLY:
Divorce can affect children of all ages, but studies show that it seems to be especially difficult for elementary school age children (6-12). According to Parents.com – article by Laura Broadwell “divorce may leave school-age kids struggling with feelings of abandonment. Younger elementary schoolers aren’t likely to understand the complex reasons why two grown-ups don’t want to be married anymore and feels as if their parents are divorcing them.”
Here are some of the signs of divorce trauma in children:
- poor performance in school
- acting out at school or at home with friends and siblings
- difficulty in sleeping (insomnia or excessive sleeping)
- loss of motivation
- loss of appetite
- increased anxiety and/or aggression
- self-harm
- irritability
- loss of interest in well liked activities prior to divorce
- social isolation
- regressive behaviors (returning to young behaviors)
These are only some indicators that a child is struggling with the emotional impact of their parents divorce and may need professional help.
CAN THERAPY HELP CHILDREN RECOVER FROM DIVORCE TRAUMA?
Many parents going through a divorce become self-absorbed in their own struggles with the end of their relationship and this behavior adds stress to their children, who do not have the ability to understand why their lives have to change and can experience feelings of abandonment. It is important to seek professional help as a family, to learn how to navigate all the changes taking place so rapidly in everyone’s lives and minimize the emotional damage that divorce can bring especially on children.
Dr. Pascale Piron from Emerge Psychology Group – Chicago, IL explains the importance of divorce trauma therapy:
Divorce trauma can have a long-lasting impact on children, especially when it is not peaceful or when parents displace their anger or project their pain onto the child, who stuck in the middle, can resort to alignment with one parent or splitting, all of which is detrimental to the mental health of the child. We recommend the entire family engage with a therapist during the divorce to help them through the transformation process of their family in a healthy way.”
A therapist can help children manage divorce trauma
THERAPEUTIC APPROACHES TO HELP CHILDREN COPE WITH DIVORCE TRAUMA:
- Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT): Allows children to understand how their negative experiences can affect them emotionally. It aims to reduce negative response to stress related to divorce trauma.
- Art Therapy for children dealing with divorce: Through art, children can express anger, fear and any other negative feelings that may be preventing healing from divorce trauma. Drawing, painting , paper collage and playing with puppets can all help kids regulate intense emotions and boost self-confidence.
- Family Therapy for divorced related trauma: Helps families going through the process of divorce, to communicate better and navigate the difficult transition from the usual family settings and dynamics to new routines.
- Play Therapy for children affected by divorce: In a safe and supportive setting the child can play and not feel pressured to verbalize negative feelings, make – believe play can help children to express their fears and anxiety.
It does take a village to help children move past divorce trauma and move forward into a productive and successful life. Although statistics do not favor children of divorce, it doesn’t mean that every child will struggle for the rest of their lives. With the right help and support, a child can work through any divorce trauma highly conflicted parental separation may have caused.
The American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy encourages “spouses to establish a conflict-free parenting relationship for the sake of the children. However, a third has difficulty in establishing a workable parenting relationship even years after the divorce.” Hence the importance of extra help, and while family and friends are part of a valuable support system, however, due to the serious nature of divorce trauma, only a trained professional is qualified to treat signs of divorce trauma in children.
How can you help children experiencing divorce trauma at home in conjunction with a trauma-focused therapy by a specialized Psychologist or Therapist:
- tell children about the divorce with your partner preferably.
- emphasize the divorce is not their fault.
- reassure they are loved
- tell them they will continue to be taken care of
- avoid drastic changes in their routine more than necessary
- avoid cancelling plans with children
- do not speak negatively about the other parent
- do not shame or guilt children for loving the other parent
- avoid discussing custody issues in front of the children
As I was doing my usual data research for this article, I learned how negative the statistics are relating to the future of children deeply impacted by divorce trauma, increasing the probability of emotional challenges as adults, and I could feel a tear or two trying to roll down my cheek, so I am going to finish on a positive note instead. Focusing on a fact, that I personally know: divorce does not need to be a tragic situation, but rather a challenging life experience which can bring important lessons such as: conflict resolution skills, resilience, compassion, flexibility and emotional maturity, to mention a few.
Statistics don’t define us, it should motivate parents to find professional help and prioritize their children’s well being, needs and mental health regardless of how or why their marriage ended.
Parents do not divorce their children, they divorce each other. Childhood goes by so fast, too fast, let’s allow our children to be children and not prevent their “the best is yet to come” from happening because of our mistakes as adults.
Find a therapist here.
Be kind. Be Brave. Be well.
Always with love,
AB
Take care of your inner child
HELPFUL LINKS
Emerge Psychology Group – Chicago, IL
Parental Conflicts and Post traumatic stress of children in high conflict divorce families
Is there a worst age for divorce for children?
Tips for Co-Parenting After divorce – Mayo Clinic
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