How can a therapist help build better communication skills and effective conflict resolution strategies for couples. Why couples therapy is worth the investment for your relationship.
by Ana Brown, B.A. Psychology. Reviewed by Dr. Pascale Piron, Psy.D., M.A.,LCPC.
Feb 05th, 2025 2.58PM PST
I was having dinner with some friends at a restaurant when we all noticed a couple arguing very loud and they were visibly emotional. It didn’t take long until one of them stormed out of the room leaving her partner perplexed and in disbelief, but a few seconds later he also walked out of the room. We could all see the parking lot from where we were seating, where they exchanged a few more words and walked out in different directions.
Not many people can say they have never experienced communication problems in their relationships. I personally and unfortunately don’t know anyone and I include myself. From the beginning of times couples have always struggled with telling one another how did they really feel deep inside. People are afraid of rejection and judgement. We prefer to avoid conflict then deal with issues arising from our relationships. This lack of proper communication according to National Library of Medicine leads to a variety of issues “Communication occupies a central role in models of relationship deterioration, as intimate bonds are believed to remain strong to the extent that partners respond with sensitivity to one another.” (e.g., Reis & Patrick, 1996). Basically, when couples struggle to communicate, it leads to a series of issues across the spectrum of their entire relationship, physically and emotionally.
HOW DO I KNOW IF MY RELATIONSHIP NEEDS THERAPY:
Couples therapy dates back to early 20th century, as a mix of psychoeducation and advice giving with no scientific backing. During that initial stage couples were not seeing together but in separate sessions. The focus was on each partner struggles separately and not communication between them as a couple. By 1980’s the work has evolved into a mature discipline separate from family therapy. It became clear that the foundation of a healthy relationship is proper communication, and if you and your partner are not clearly communicating feelings, expectations and needs, there will be signs it’s time to get help:
SIGNS YOUR RELATIONSHIP NEEDS COUPLES THERAPY: ( one of the partners or both are experiencing:)
- frequent arguing
- unresolved issues
- lying about finances
- constant separate social lives
- secret friendships
- trust issues
- infidelity
- no intimacy
- daily parenting styles disagreements
- jealousy
- life-changing decisions disagreements
- long term family goals differences
- resentment over past issues
Most couples experience stressors in the course of their relationship, however, if these stressors are preventing one or both individuals from having positive interactions with one another the majority of their time together, then it’s time to reevaluate how to move forward. If there is love and the will to work through the differences, then there is a way.
There is no shame in and there should never be a stigma attached to finding help to save your relationship or your marriage and potentially your family.
Types of couples therapy for better communication and relationship improvement:
According to the American Psychological Association (2023) “Couples counselling , couples therapy, or marital therapy occurs when two people who are in a relationship are treated together by one therapist.”
Here are the main types of couples therapy interventions proven to help couples communicate more efficiently, establish healthier boundaries and move towards a positive and more functional relationship:
Emotionally Focused Therapy for Couples (EFT): It identifies each partner insecure attachment patterns and negative emotions relating to past traumatic experiences and how it affects their relationship with a partner by creating conflict. This enables the couple to move their relationship into a functional and healthier dynamic.
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT): Helps couples improve communication skills in their relationship by identifying their individual negative emotions, feelings and challenging behaviors which are detrimental to the relationship, enabling the couple to learn healthier communication patterns and useful conflict resolution tools. Basically, preventing personal individual trauma projection onto your partner. The PTSD Clinical Practice Guideline cites CBT as “Indeed, CBT is an approach for which there is ample scientific evidence that the methods that have been developed actually produce change.”
The Gottman Method: Based on the research by Drs. John and Julie Gottman, this method identified what Gottman called ” The Four Horseman of the Apocalypse” , four main stressors that can predict break ups or divorces: stonewalling, criticism, defensiveness and contempt. The Gottman Institute explains: ” The goals of the Gottman Method Couples Therapy are to disarm conflicting verbal communication, increase intimacy, respect, and affection, remove barriers that create a feeling of stagnancy, and create a heightened sense of empathy and understanding within the context of the relationship.
These are just some of the many types of couples therapies available to you as an important resource if you want to improve your communications skills with your partner, overcome past traumatic issues such as infidelity, establish healthier boundaries, align your values as a couple. improve physical and emotional intimacy, or any other challenges preventing you and your loved one to enjoy your time together.
Falling in love can be an amazing experience but staying in love is a very challenging journey. The demands of everyday life such as finances, work, children, personal health and family issues can literally transform what started out as a beautiful life as a couple into a path of mutual destruction, with serious personal consequences for each partner and everyone around including innocent children. The consequences of unresolved issues between two people in a committed relationship can have long term devastating effects. Couples therapy can prevent the loss of a great future with the ones we love.
Passion alone is not enough to sustain any relationships in the long run. Mutual respect, healthy boundaries and a willingness to forgive and grow individually and together as a couple is what builds foundation for a lifetime partnership. Love evolves and it should transform itself as we evolve and transform ourselves as individuals.
Dr. Pascale Piron, Psy.D., M.A., LCPC Executive director and Founder of the renowned Chicago, IL based Emerge Psychology Group explains: “Couples Therapy ultimately helps a person to improve their active and reflective listening skills, teaches one how to communicate their needs and wants, leading to a deeper understanding of the self, and of the self in relationships”.
WHY COUPLES THERAPY IS WORTH THE INVESTMENT FOR YOUR RELATIONSHIP:
Couples therapy helps us find the language of love that our partner speaks. We come into relationships with all our emotional baggage and past traumas, with our parents languages of love instilled in our personalities, and we expect and assume that our loved ones should automatically know what we need and expect in a relationship. Without proper communication skills and trust, it becomes impossible to develop a stronger , fulfilling and rewarding bond as a couple . A trained therapist can create a safe space for couples to learn more about each other’s languages of love.
Like the couple from the restaurant, many of us end up leaving and going in different directions from the initial meeting point of love. Finding a trained couples therapy Psychologist can help bring couples back to an emotionally safer place and to redirect where both partners want the relationship to go moving forward.
“The course of true love did never run smooth”
William Shakespeare
Life is always better together. Love will always prevail and help is always one call away.
Be brave. Be kind. Be well.
AB
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If you are experiencing domestic violence, or feel in immediate danger or life-threatening situation dial 911.
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HELPFUL LINKS
National Domestic Violence Hotline 1(800)799-7233
National Mental Health Hotline: 1(866)903-3787
Crisis Text Line: Text HOME to 741741
OTHER RESOURCES:
The 5 languages of love book by Dr. Gary Chapman
Fight Right Book by Julie Gottman, PHD and John Gottman, PHD.
The little book of us – Journal for couples
