Ana Brown

The Importance of grieving when loss happens.

How many times have you heard someone tell you: “get over it!” or “It’s time to move on!”, when you just experienced a deeply disheartening loss?

The sad truth is, most of us, get really uncomfortable when dealing with someone else’s pain. Whether we don’t know how to help, don’t have the right words or simply what happened to them hits home with us and it triggers a memory you just don’t want to remember. And you sit and stare in a panic, because you feel compassionated or obligated to say something and make a situation better right away. We all been there. We are all afraid of pain.

One of the definitions of grief, is “deep sorrow”. And we are wired to feel it for a purpose. I compare grief to taking a shower. We take showers to clean up, ease aches and pains or simply relax from stress. Why are we so afraid of grief? Often, I’ve seen friends and family get stuck in chronic depression or funky moods after the loss of a loved one, or a job or even a dream that didn’t come true. Grief becomes part of their identity and sometimes it’s mistaken for a personality trait. But if you dig deeper, often, that person was not allowed or could not feel they had the right to grieve their losses at the time that it happened and find themselves years later still dealing with all sorts of mental health issues. Some of these issues even become physical health issues.

Recently, I lost my dad to Covid, and in the midst of that excruciating pain, I still felt the need to let everyone know I was ok, when in reality I was in a really dark place. I didn’t want to face those scary feelings, after all you only lose a father once, and I couldn’t figure out how to keep those awful foreign emotions from coming. But this incredible friend I have, drove two hours to be with me and my daughter on the day of his passing, and instead of telling me what to do, how to feel or that everything was going to be all right, she sat quietly next to me, and let me cry until I had no more tears. It was the shower I needed. No pressure to fake that I was strong, since in that moment I was just a little girl who lost her hero and protector forever. Let the tears come and fall down. Let your emotions flourish and be acknowledged and the pain accepted. Like when you have a virus, that you just have to let it run its course, and all you need is some hot tea and love.

Let’s allow ourselves and others to just feel the pain, the loss, the panic and sadness during difficult times. Comforting someone can be shown in so many ways and not pressuring ourselves or loved ones to rush through grief can be the very best ailment and gift you can give others and yourself.

Along with self-awareness it is also important that all of us practice self-love and self-care during stress and grief. Here are some ideas and routines that may help you stay focused and strong during these challenging times specially if you are a caregiver to your family or others.

Journaling: Writing down your feelings on a journal can alleviate your heart from heavy emotions and help you track your progress. If you feel that after a while you are not improving, it’s time to look for professional help in your area or online. There are incredible resources for grieving. Links will be attached at the bottom .
Memory Box: when you lose someone you love, you don’t lose the memories, you can keep them alive by making videos, or photo albums of all the moments you shared together. Collect memorabilia and personal items that remind you of your loved one. A ticket of a special trip you took together, a piece of jewelry or a book you both enjoyed.
Spa Day: If this is an option for you, do it! a nice and relaxing massage can help your body relax and eliminate toxins that are released in our bloodstream when we experience sadness and stress increasing the levels of cortisol. A little “me time” is very important to give you a break and help you take a breath before going back to activities that before were just part of your routine, but now feel like overwhelming. Even doing dishes can be a tough chore during grieving. There are plenty of great Spa chains out there or even a charming and special neighborhood spa and nail salon.
Alone Time: If you are like me, I prefer to be quiet when the pain comes, and I feel this overwhelming sadness. Because it gets hard to stay focused or interested in conversations, when I would rather watch tv, read, listen to music or simply sit quietly until I feel social again. During this time, it’s very important to not feel pressured to accept invitations to social gatherings or events that can send you in a panic mode and make you feel like you have to act normal or even smile when all you want to do is cry. This is about recovering, not pleasing others while you are weak and vulnerable.
Travel: People grieve in so many different ways, and there is no such a thing as right or wrong. Some prefer to stay home and nest, while others take the first flight available to “as far as possible” location from the place they experienced loss. Traveling can actually help to change scenarios a bit and give your heart a break by seeing different places or cultures, eat different foods and try and have a little fun. And yes, it’s ok to have moments of fun even in the middle of bereavement. It’s called survival.
Meditation: Mornings can be quite challenging for people suffering from depression due to the loss of a loved one. Starting your day with a clear mind and a light heart can help you face the tough day ahead and give you a calmer mindset. Find a quiet place to meditate or you can do while still lying on your bed. I use guided meditations on YouTube, and it has helped me tremendously by setting a positive tone for the day.
Therapy: I understand this option is not everyone’s cup of tea, but it is still the most important one in my view. As a former counselor, I cannot imagine going through all the losses I went through in my life without that kind of support. A therapist can help you navigate the incredibly difficult myriad of emotions that come with loss in a non-judgmental way and point you in the right direction to recovery utilizing the right resources available. One day you feel normal and all of a sudden, you’re back down in the dumps. And your family may also be mourning and not professionally trained to give you medical advice. There are plenty of non-profits and private practices that can help.
Cooking: For some reason, I find a lot of solitude in cooking. I prefer to cook alone and while I am gathering ingredients I am focused on task and excited about the outcome, especially if I’m cooking a new recipe. It’s also a great form of self-love since healthy foods are crucial to fight depression, anxiety and insomnia, all very common during stressful times. If you like cooking, this can be a great outlet for stress, whether you do it alone or gather a few people you love for fun night of homemade pizza and ice cream and a feelgood movie.
Pray: In the best seller book and movie ” Eat, Love and Pray” by Melissa Gilbert, there is quote I love: “Do not apologize for crying. Without this emotion, we are only robots.”. Praying can give you strength, clarity and the freedom you deserve to mourn, feel sad and use this time to get closer to a higher spiritual power. Perhaps renew your faith and feel closer to the one you lost and our Creator.
Plant a Tree: The thought of death, brings awful feelings of ending. The finality of it is quite disturbing for most of us. The idea that you will never see that person again is simply devastating. A friend of mine who lost her mother a few years ago, decided to plant a Jasmine Tree in her back yard, in honor of her mom who loved the smell of Jasmine flowers. When the missing of her mom would become unbearable, she would sit under the tree and chat with her mom as if she could still hear her. It gave her a sense of something palpable and real. Something tangible to remind her of the times she spent at a park with her mother when she was little.If this is an option for you, choose a tree or plant that may have a connection to your loved one.
Donate: Donating your time or money to your loved one’s favorite nonprofit may give you that great feeling of continuity. Continuing one’s work or beliefs can keep us incredibly connected emotionally and happy that although they are gone, their passion for an idea or cause will live forever. Some families take it to the next level and create foundations in honor of their lost ones, leaving a trail of love and compassion, and legacy.

Remember the several stages of grief: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance, and don’t just go through them, GROW through them, understand how powerful you are and how crucial it is, to be kind to yourself and patient with your heart.

I leave you with love and gratitude.

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Cancel Culture

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Being the mother of a teen, in my 50’s, is not a walk in the park. At least not the park I used to take her, when she was little. We had wonderful times together, when her imagination ran freely, and we hung out with imaginary Unicorns and Mermaids. We accepted each other as we were, and our time was free of judgements and expectations, other than the afternoon ice cream. Those memories help me cope with the sad reality we simply cannot spend that much time together anymore, due to the daily demands from school and my work. Still I long for a time where we were just happy to be together albeit our differences.

As she matures and questions everything around her, as she should, my heart sometimes gets heavy watching how social media is negatively shaping their minds and their ability to think for themselves, and I wonder if they are asking the right questions. I am not debating human rights here, I am debating youth mental health. I am in full support of free speech and progress. And obviously total inclusion and diversity.

My own questions revolve around our responsibilities as adults and parents. Aren’t we, older and theoretically wiser? Aren’t we the people supposed to take care of our youngsters? Then why the majority of us is losing the battle against cancel culture and social media pressure?

I don’t presume to have the answers, but I do believe keeping communication channels opened with our kids, and common interests, may be the only chance we have at this point. I do insist in daily chats, even when she seems completely absorbed by the images jumping at her face at the speed of light. Adolescence is one of the most challenging periods in our lives and a time when teens distance themselves from parents , to wonder into other groups, in search of their own identity and acceptance. As a former counselor, I was able to listen to many teenagers struggling with guilt, having to choose between parental advice and peer pressure. Not a walk in the park for them either, at least not a walk with their parents anymore. This time they feel completely alone and vulnerable.

You mix all of this, with full access to unlimited online time, surfing on waters with an amount of information that not even a fully developed cortex can handle, and you have cancel culture. There we have it. As amazing as our youth is, with their incredible ability to demand important changes in our society, they have not experienced life to the fullest yet. Which creates the difficulty in understanding why people become who they become, and have baggage with opinions who may differ heavily from theirs. It’s logic. It’s called life experience, something you cannot rush or get from social media. The tragedy lies on the fact, that not all of us are lucky enough to grow up in loving homes and healthy environments. Hence the hate culture. And although I believe there is an explanation, I also know there is no justification for hate, exclusion or cruelty in any shape or form.

Cancel culture values comes with an abundance of contradictions. The main motto is inclusion and respect for others, but when some of the ‘others’ show up carrying the heavy luggage with different point of views, due to their life experiences, they get “cancelled”. I was never really sure of what cancelled culture meant, until I created a tik tok account, hoping to better understand what’s going on outside my personal world. I still cannot quite grasp the concept of wasting time cancelling a hateful human being who will continue on their meaningless journey, whether you “cancelled” them or not. When I was growing up, we cancelled checks and credit cards, not people, simply because cancelling someone by constantly talking about them publicly, just makes these awful people even more famous. Not to mention, that people who cancel others, are now being scrutinized themselves. Sad and ironic. The world does not need anymore hate speech and exclusion. We should strive to find a way to put them in their place, which is the “not important” place, where no one visits, no one comments, no one participates or engages. Leaving them to do what they do best alone . We are only treating the symptoms, but not really curing the disease. This is going to take way much more effort than falling into the trap of perpetuating negativity with more negativity. I say with fight hate with love.

I simply don’t engage with anything or anyone in social media who has a hate speech or less than a kind platform, for the simple fact that life is too short for me to add more negativity into my life. My time is precious and priceless, and I am teaching this my kid daily. I don’t feel that hating haters on their page, is going to do the trick for us, people who believe in love. The new generation is so lucky to have the luxury of being able to ignore what makes them feel bad about themselves, by not answering their texts or snapchats, since phone calls are sadly becoming a thing from the past, but they don’t make use of that privilege, as a matter of fact, they feel the urge to engage and respond to comments that aim to put our kids down and destroy their self-image. Creating serious mental health issues and self-esteem challenges, during a time that feeling valued and worthy is so vital. Unfortunately they measure their worth, by the amount of strangers who follow them. Imagine how did older generations survive with only a limited amount of friends from their school and neighborhoods? Because it was enough.

Being loved by the right people is, was and will always be enough. My prayer is that my teen, continues her journey towards a fulfilling and successful life, where she is loved by the people who matter in her life, people who care about what she has to say, even when what she says is the opposite of what they expect. Love is all we need.

No need to cancel what you don’t follow.

Be well

Ana Brown

Corona, the taker and giver.

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Looking back a year ago, I remember feeling angry, scared and frustrated at the beginning of the first lockdown. I was so shocked facing the reality that this virus was literally taking over our lives. It arrived with no invitation and just made itself at home. We named it, we bowed down to it, we feared it and finally accepted it as if it was here to stay. We united in a front to fight one of the biggest and smallest enemy humanity has ever had. The losses we all experienced, one way or another were overwhelming in every level.

But in every fight there are winners and losers. In this case, it was no different. Millions of us lost loved ones, we lost our jobs, our homes and all of us lost our freedom to come and go. We lost the very essence of who we are , we lost togetherness. We lost the energy we receive through physical contact with others. And this energy is what moves the world. We are all losers to the Corona Virus.

But we are also winners. I’ll explain why I am trying to see beyond all the tragedy that this virus brought into the world. “The Enemy is a Very Good Teacher ” the Dalai Lama so gracefully reminds us in all his teachings. There is no evolution without suffering, unfortunately, and we are all more propense to betterment if pushed or pressured, very few people naturally press on without any competition or reason to do so. Now that Corona is here, and it seems that it will be for a long time, why not learn from this invisible enemy? why not turn all the negative changes we have had to go through, and seek to adapt and improve with what we have right now. There is no gain, in trying to live in denial, accepting that we do not need to be all victims and taking a stand against the virus, by learning its weaknesses and strategizing new ways of life, so instead of suffering for what it took from us, let’s embrace what it has given us. Wisdom and strength.

I, for once, used to rush my days, in my OCD routines, getting from one task to another until the day was over, and for what? more money? more recognition? more achievements? for whatever reasons, we have forgotten to live the present day. We stew about the past, live to see a future, that in reality, only God knows if we will actually be blessed to see. The truth is, the pandemic came to teach us all hard lessons and tragically took the lives of millions of innocent people. So in the name of those who perished, let’s all be winners, not losers. Let the enemy teach us the most important lesson of all, we are still here right now and this moment is all you have.

Corona has taken so much from us, but also given the survivors, the most precious gift of all, the gift of time. So let’s learn and live.

Be well.