I spent my whole life planning my death. After my parents divorce when I was 8 years old, life just seemed like a series of unexpected events. Completely out of my control. I learned to expect the worse, to avoid disappointments. It turned into a game, that I played by myself, and counted more defeats than victories at times. I assumed that everything would go wrong, before it would go right. I was always prepared for the worse.
After a long week at a hospital, due to an unexpected, here we go again, surgery, I was glad to be back home with my husband and daughter. I still remember the feeling of relief that I have cheated tragedy one more time. I was still in control and didn’t realize at that moment, I was missing the most important lesson.
Five days after being home, I couldn’t breath well and was rushed back to the ER. I knew something serious was happening to my body, but it took another 9 hours of testing for the doctors to find out. Laying on that bed again, all I could think of was my 6 year old sleeping at home, oblivious to the fact that I was back to the hospital.
When the doctor walked in, he looked pale, as if someone has died. Well, I didn’t know that someone almost did die, and that someone was me. Staring only at my husband, as if avoiding eye contact with me, he asked my husband if we played the lottery, and added “she literally had a million more chances of winning the lottery, than being here today, you both should play tonight”. And proceeded to announce my dreaded Pulmonary Embolism diagnosis. I don’t remember being more scared in my life. It was one of those moments that your life flashes right before your eyes, and all you can think of, is that you ran out of time. Game lost.
Once I received treatment, I had a long journey ahead, understanding why I had to go through all of that. But most importantly, understand why I survived, and how to take in the lesson learned. None of us, are truly in control. It’s a hard and scary truth, but it’s reality. I did all the right things and still got sick. But I won. I won the lottery of life. My game days were over. I learned to live the day I am in. Whichever way it comes. When is bad, I deal with it. When is good, I celebrate. Is just that simple. Big victories now come from small accomplishments, and the small victories became just as important as the big ones. I found in writing, the most powerful outlet for spiritual and emotional healing.
I thought I had everything in life, until I almost lost it all. The truth is, I didn’t have what was most important.
I now have all I need. My family, my faith, my life. I won the prize, the real one, the prize of contentment.The prize of acceptance. I won the lottery.